I didn’t fully understand it at the time the relationship had just begun. But, slowly he unveiled his true intentions to me. I had been in a 10 months relationship with a Dutch man. I was an Indonesian woman pursuing my master in the Netherlands. I have experienced on a first person account the dangers of yellow fever. Sure, they all want to say that Dutch is a liberal country etc. People are so open minded in the Netherlands etc. But, that’s what they want people to believe. In reality, having lived in the Netherlands for two years, the reality isn’t as sweet for a foreigner (buitenlander).
He kissed me on the lips without consent on the first date. He made it clear through his insult that I am a stupid Asian girl with a tiny brain. He made derogatory jokes about me that a woman’s purpose is to cook, clean, and have sex. He watches Asian porn. He threatened that he would beat me up, put me in a suitcase, or bury me in the backyard where nobody could found me. He is a classic case of a European men having fetish towards Asian women. Yellow fever is wrong, and it’s racist. It stereotypes Asian women as though they are an object.
To all Asian women beware of yellow fever. It’s the same as mental abuse. Why would you want to be boxed into that narrow narrative? That Asian women are submissive, good in the kitchen, and hypersexual? Why would anyone want to be burdened with such tasks?
I asked him at one point of our interaction. Why Asian women? He said he always fetishized them. Had this delusion that all Asian women are submissive, and as soft and fragile as a porcelain. And that he would be able to benefit more on the relationship. It all just sounded very narcissistic. I just felt suffocated after awhile of dating him. Something was off. Even my friends can sense it. My male friends don’t like him. My female friend think that the relationship is weird. It seemed fake and insincere. Everything just seemed very transactional. He insisted on giving gifts in the hope that I would give him more sex. Frankly my libido is not always on. He got sulky whenever I am not on the mood even though I clearly said to him, “Don’t try to bribe me”. But, he always stonewalls me, and being defensive. Gaslighted me whenever he insulted me. He really think he was the clever one. Well apparently not clever enough to tell the difference between Holland, and Netherlands.
On another account I also asked another Dutch man I met through a dating app. Why Indonesian women? He said that he felt special by their treatment. Indonesian women are very respectful (maybe also insecure?), and he feels special by this kind of treatment. It all sounds very generic. I guess insecure men will try and find an insecure woman that they think they could control in order to fill those dark, and endless hole.
In the end false expectation would only disappoint each party. I expected that as a Dutch man he would treat me as equally as other Dutch women. But instead of that he had a habit of disrespecting me through his words, and then gaslighted me. He thought he could get away with every kind of abuse that he did. Because, I am just a buitenlander for him. Nobody would believe me. Nobody cares. He didn’t think I could hurt him back. But, he was wrong. I hurt his ego, I went out with another man in a week after we broke up. He never thought I could do it. He even slimmed down because he wanted to look more attractive to catch another woman’s attention. I did that to him. We broke up after 10 months. It was painful, but I learned a whole lot from it.
We all are just human beings, nothing to be fetishized about. It’s time to stop all the delusions, and misinformation. But, some people never wake up. After our breakup he was still looking for another Asian woman. A Vietnamese this time. Ladies, watch out! You have been warned! Date slowly, and always watch out for red flags.
